Long time no post everybody. Um...Sorry about that. I really love to draw and write but...how can I put this...I need a muse. It sounds silly but...I need inspiration to do so little. I've been crazy trying to go through school and work at the same time and some how I've managed it. It's my birthday on the 26th and soon after that I'll be entering into the medical feild. Yeah me!

But that's not what I wanted to talk about. You see...I'm not the only one having a birthday on the 26th. My sister, five minutes younger than me, will be having a birthday too. I know I should be appreciating my day of days...but I can't. Whenever I think about our birthdays...you see...all I can remember is her disappointed face.

She started out liking the idea of birthdays like I did. Then the presents started coming in a bundle rather than a pair. Stuff we could share, they said. But we didn't want to share as we grew older...and further apart. Then the one gift meant for two young girls started to turn into a present for me that I could share with her if I wanted to...Of course she didn't feel right about it so she just let me have it. As the years passed by and our sweet sixteen party came around a gap that had been steadily opening up between us was suddenly visible. I recieved a gold and glass clock and she received a broken type writer that some one had donated to the Redcross, who my mother was working for at the time.

We were poor. I knew my parents couldn't afford much...but they spent every penny on me. While I appreciate their care for me, I resented how that gesture made her feel. It was only after so many birthdays that I managed to summon up the courage to face that disappointed face and ask her how she felt. It sounds like an obvious thing. It's painted on her face isn't it? For the longest time though...I thought she blamed me for her thoughtless gifts. I mean, why wouldn't she, I always had.

She looked up at me with a bitter sweet smile on her face, and eyes as dry as desert sand. She said, "It's not your fault what others get me. They just like you more." She further explained that she was used to it by now and didn't worry about it so much anymore.

I was crushed. I tried to talk to my family and most of them told me that my sister was just difficult to shop for. What they mean is, they barely know her enough to know what kinds of presents she likes. (I learned that from personal experience. Another story for another day.) I flopped on my bed that night and looked up at the celing, remembering her words..."They just like you better."

Maybe that was true, because...they knew me...but I think that was because I was easy to know. No effort involved. I opened up first on many occations. Trust is two ways and for most of my family they have to be shown an open door before deciding to venture through it. I was angry at those mocking presents piled up by my night stand. I was angry at my family for not making the effort to get to know my twin sister better. Most of all...I was angry at myself...because there was nothing I could do about it...

I think about this stuff every year and the helplessness I feel can be overwhelming. But I also have to remember what else she told me..."It's not your fault..." Maybe then I can sleep on my birthday.

I hope it will be a better one this year my dear sister, so good night and Happy Birthday.